PASTECANYON

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Hi dear,

This is a very very private thing to me. I never wanted to share this with anyone except my soul and Allah. But I want to tell you now only coz I don't wanna regret in my life that I wasn't honest with you. Now, I'm being more honest with you in this post coz you told your past relationships and whatever happened without any hesitation to me. So, I feel you gave everything(a/c to me) but I was a jerk at that time. This note is just to let you know. As I said earlier even if you don't love me that's OK (but painful). Coz my intention wasn't to forcibly do something with you. But I want to follow/believe in Islam. Let me tell you what happened in my life before I saw you & after I met you, and after I loved you. At least this post can help you to believe in Allah once again. Please pause after reading each paragraph and give a thought to it. Otherwise, you will feel bored with my story.

Before I saw you:
I was an introvert and my family situations were not that much(I came to know your family situations were also not great while talked to you) but I want to express my feelings to you. Don't take me wrong here. I wanted to study hard and then get a govt job(based on GATE) and marry a rich woman. My thinking process was completely different at this stage. Slowly when I hit the puberty stage I don't know how I was addicted to seeing those things that I'm not supposed to. But somehow I saw it bcoz of friends and from there whoever looked pretty/sexy I wanted to have ...... with them. So, you know what we will do after seeing them. Yes, I used to do it. But I did it too frequently coz even I like that feeling like you do. Till now I never told you coz I was insecure but I don't want to hide anything from you. I want to be very honest with you. Coz I realized what your love is and what will you do for both love and hate.

Pause, please

How I saw you: 
After intermediate, someone from my class(I can't reveal his name here) told me that we both were in love secretly. I was shocked but excited to see you coz at that time and at that stage of my life.. being loved was the best feeling (But the fact was you loved a person whose name was like mine) Then I started following you(but before this also I heard your name a couple of times and hated you like anything ie I knew it was a big mistake coz I judged a book by its cover page). Slowly I'm habituated to you and your work and your grace and your smile. Again at this point, I was physically attracted to you i.e. lust. But not mentally and emotionally. TBH with you, I eagerly wanted to have .... with you and enjoy all the moments that every bf and gf used to do at this stage of life. I knew at that time what was happening in clg. I wanted us to do the same thing that we discussed what bf and gf were doing in clg. But I didn't get a chance so I used to do self-pleasure thinking about you. Again TBH people around me talked about you like you are a slut. People can use you. Somewhere in my mind, it was registered before I met you. I even told you about this story when we used to talk daily.

Pause, please

After I met you:
You completely changed my thoughts. You told me how much you loved your ex. I was completely into you. From that moment, I had so much respect for you and started truly loving you and feeling that you are the best soul that I ever met out of my family. I wanted to propose to you through a chocolate on which I added a love proposal(with the help of my cousin's sister). But unfortunately, one more guy proposed to you and you accepted it. I felt like - God had punished me that I didn't love you properly coz it might be lust at that time and my intention was not 100% sure. So, I accepted the things for the time being. But slowly I have fallen for you again and again. We spent a lot of time together which made me understand more and more about you i.e. as a person and how much you love. I felt like I wanted this girl only. Surprisingly I reduced my self-pleasure things when I was with you. Coz you made me believe in love. and making love with you is worth more than doing self-pleasure.

Pause, please

After I loved you:
Somehow we were together outside of CLG also, and at that stage of my life - I was loving you more and more day by day. I used to do stupid things like pinging your family members. While I was struggling for your love, one of my cousin's sisters came to know about my love. She asked - are you sure that you are in love or loving her completely. Or it's just a lust? I told her no it's true love. Then she told if you truly love someone then pray for them. If you put your soul and be honest with her, then definitely you will meet again. I used to pray like anything for you and stopped self-pleasure at that time. Unfortunately, my body is habituated to it so even if I don't do it by myself while sleeping I used to get dreams like we are making love together. So, it used to come out. I struggled a lot to control it even in dreams so that I could pray at any point in time(especially in the middle of the night). And I used to make promises to god that I wouldn't touch you and do self-pleasure(Note: when you were not there, I started self-pleasure again and it ruined my health too) and do Zina with you.

During Covid:
I don't know how it happened but we met in covid. I was so happy that god answered my prayers. But at that time only you told what happened to you with your bf. It broke my heart and I started doing self-pleasure again(but not excessively) coz I wanted to get sleep.
Later I came to know about your self-pleasure and making love frequently. I was hurt before but I realized that I was also like you so what's wrong with her? You know what - I wanted us to control at that time coz I knew we both are too horny. I felt like I got a girl who had the same level of horny like me. TBH I was more horny than you before I met you. At this stage also, I was so horny that I got you. when you asked me about mine - I lied to you that I never watched it before. But I intended to watch it with you(Why? coz everyone wanted to do it with their GF). At that time, I used to do self-pleasure(I think you also used to do it but didn't tell me). This is the part I regret more coz I was not honest with you at that time. Anyway, later I told you to stop doing self-pleasure things coz I promised to god and I knew how much it can impact our health, emotions, etc. You also told me that you will stop doing it. So, I also stopped it. During this phase, we explored each other. And also during this phase so many things were wrong in my family. It impacted me and my relationship with you around that time. I used to doubt you and question you and force you. I still remember that one day you told me that - Trust me completely that I'm not doing anything wrong and I will talk to all without gender bias and you can love me or talk to me the way you wanted to do with me(like flirting you/sending kissing msgs etc). I knew that you tried and gave your 100% to me. If I wanted to just have fun, .... pleasure with you for 1-2 years, then I could have agreed to whatever you told me and acted like I didn't care apart from the pleasures that we could have. If that was the case, then we would have been together and I would have been happier and have more pleasurable things from you. Instead of doing that, I was doing self-pleasure things to control myself while talking to you. I knew that self-pleasure was wrong but I had no other choice. Instead of doing zina with you, I wanted to have self-pleasure and get married to you ASAP. Coz you know once a man/woman feels those pleasures, they can't control themselves. And also I always wanted a marriage first and didn't want to break up or go away from you for the rest of my life. And also I wanted us to be happy forever under the guidance of Allah.

Pause, please

As I mentioned before, at that stage of my life - so many things were changing. I wanted to restrict you from talking to men(especially your ex-friends). But I also told you that - in work wise or in general, we have to talk so it's OK but I just worried that you should not be controlled or emotionally attached to any other man in this world apart from me. I was insecure around that time coz I was an introvert and a little bit more religious and not good-looking compared to your ex and doing self-pleasure again. Around that time, I was exploring Islam coz I felt Allah made us meet again. So, I wanted us to be happy and enjoy every moment of life together without disobeying Islam/Quran. Unfortunately, you hated me for restricting you by following Islam. I knew - for you, love means - not enforcing religious thoughts on you, giving freedom respecting your goals, etc. But believe me, my intention was always to see us happy.

After you left me:
I was broken and couldn't share anything with anyone coz my friends were exhausted with my past stories. I don't have anyone except you and Allah to share my feelings.  TBH - I got a chronic health issue due to depression, food habits, and more self-pleasure(I did this when we were together. Again I felt that - I had broken the promise given to God. so I feel this is expected i.e. karma for me) Unfortunately at this point of time, I was not able to do anything and doctors told me they didn't know the root cause of the issue but the issue was critical. So, everyone gave up at this stage I was completely lost i.e. mentally, emotionally, and physically. I needed your care and support and your love at that time. But you hated me like anything. So, I have started praying again for my health issue, love. I didn't know that I changed a lot by myself. Just bcoz of my love towards you - I have started truly believing in God and praying from the bottom of my heart and trusting him completely is a miracle for me and my family too. Thanks for everything you did for me!

A big pause, please

My only wish to you is - to believe in Allah once again like you did while you were in a relationship with your ex. You told that - what miracle happened to that person or this person who prayed? I don't feel that is helpful to them. Please forget all those things. We don't what was wrong with their prayers. I even saw you wearing a burqa in the lift two times. You were shy and hiding yourself from people around that time. But I feel very proud of you. Do you know why I still love you? coz you were never wrong. you are just doing the things that others or people around you are doing and making you believe in something. So, I don't hate you instead I can understand you. But I hope people around you change and come into reality/truth so that you will recognize and understand what I was trying to explain to you over the past few years. I always felt you will give 100% in whatever you love. So, that's what keeps me craving for you and your soul. You have such a beautiful soul but people around you making you blind and impacting your mind and behavior.

For me: you are the one who again made me believe in God. Do you remember that you told me to pray and sleep instead of overthinking? You made me a better person always my love. Also, I feel you like my soul and I never want my soul to feel low, sad, or hurt in the world as well as in Akhira. Everyone has to taste the death. I want your Akhira as well as Duniya to be beautiful. Of course, for you, it might sound like I'm a stupid person and talking stupidity. but believe me, whatever I'm saying is true from the bottom of my heart. And my life is the best example I can give you. Just give one more chance to Allah not to me. Just believe in him and try to read the Quran once as a neutral person whenever you feel alone/broken/lost. You will feel that the Quran makes sense. There is everything in Quran but the thing is we don't know about it and didn't study it coz of this duniya and people around us. I found that men and women are equal as per the Quran. Also, I found so many miracles and truths using a few videos which I attached to the below link.

Please read this page and check out each video once🙏 - https://pastecanyon.com/wk5nsyoqsz. 🤲

Thanks,
A loved one.

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